I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
