how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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