"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...