just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
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Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug