Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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