Just fell off a train. Bad.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A+ Viking dick
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.