I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.