my sisters under your porch take her home
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
