i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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