3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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