Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?