i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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