Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
