I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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