So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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