I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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