it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
