Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
