Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
