I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
