I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize