Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
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I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
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I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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