i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize