My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just high enough for therapy.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
