I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
