I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
