Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
