I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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