We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
