just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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