true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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