What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
