I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO