I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
