She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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