YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
