I wish I could punch you in the face.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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