did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize