I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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