I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
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I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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