JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok