the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
