I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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