Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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