So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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