what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
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fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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