mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
