so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am available for nakedness
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
