Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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