We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
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Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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