Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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