That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
